Changing my name back to my “maiden” name has been an adventure – the legal system is like a fun puzzle and the various entities that track you by your name all have slightly different rules about changing ones name. If you are considering it for any reason, be prepared for every variation of rule when you are going through credit cards, bank accounts, apartment leases and the like.
First, I thought that keeping my married name would make life easier for working and credit etc. And yes, there was a certain amount of pure laziness involved as well… it just seemed “easier”.
But as time moved on, I still felt strangely that something was unresolved. Now that I have my name back, I am feeling finally back to myself. Full of energy and ideas and somewhat philosophical about things in general.
It was closure to release my exhusband’s name. I am looking at the psychological symbolism in giving up one’s identity in a marriage – and reclaiming that identity at the end of it. I am not different or am I?
It makes no sense in logical analysis but there it is. I feel relieved and returned to myself. As if I was being held captive. And I know it had nothing at all to do with my ex-husband and everything to do with my own beliefs and attitudes towards the woman’s role in marriage. In giving up my maiden name, I also gave up many of my plans and dreams. I could not have expressed that at the time, because I didn’t realize I was doing it until I started to resent that the things I wanted - to do, to be, to experience – were getting further and further out of reach.
Again, I want it very clear that I understand that this was all internal. Not imposed on me from anywhere outside of me. I say this so that the men who might read this won’t go into the “What do women want anyway?” spin. The truth is, we don’t know. At least I don’t. Things I thought I wanted, on a conscious level – were in fact, not what I wanted. If I am this confused about it I certainly don’t expect anyone separate and apart from me to understand it any better.
The funny thing is, while I might not be able to articulate what I want, I have learned what I do NOT want.
Perhaps that is the whole point of life. Discovering what you DON’T want, still leaves a huge universe of options open. And the only thing that prevents us from exploring and discovering what we do and don’t want, is our own internal creature that holds us back or pushes us into some strange and alien role because we believe that it is the way it is supposed to be.
I am, I sometimes think, and I am discovering the vast landscape in my mind.
“Throw me into shallow water before I get too deep.” Thank you Edie Brickell.
