Changing my name back to my “maiden” name has been an adventure – the legal system is like a fun puzzle and the various entities that track you by your name all have slightly different rules about changing ones name. If you are considering it for any reason, be prepared for every variation of rule when you are going through credit cards, bank accounts, apartment leases and the like.
First, I thought that keeping my married name would make life easier for working and credit etc. And yes, there was a certain amount of pure laziness involved as well… it just seemed “easier”.
But as time moved on, I still felt strangely that something was unresolved. Now that I have my name back, I am feeling finally back to myself. Full of energy and ideas and somewhat philosophical about things in general.
It was closure to release my exhusband’s name. I am looking at the psychological symbolism in giving up one’s identity in a marriage – and reclaiming that identity at the end of it. I am not different or am I?
It makes no sense in logical analysis but there it is. I feel relieved and returned to myself. As if I was being held captive. And I know it had nothing at all to do with my ex-husband and everything to do with my own beliefs and attitudes towards the woman’s role in marriage. In giving up my maiden name, I also gave up many of my plans and dreams. I could not have expressed that at the time, because I didn’t realize I was doing it until I started to resent that the things I wanted - to do, to be, to experience – were getting further and further out of reach.
Again, I want it very clear that I understand that this was all internal. Not imposed on me from anywhere outside of me. I say this so that the men who might read this won’t go into the “What do women want anyway?” spin. The truth is, we don’t know. At least I don’t. Things I thought I wanted, on a conscious level – were in fact, not what I wanted. If I am this confused about it I certainly don’t expect anyone separate and apart from me to understand it any better.
The funny thing is, while I might not be able to articulate what I want, I have learned what I do NOT want.
Perhaps that is the whole point of life. Discovering what you DON’T want, still leaves a huge universe of options open. And the only thing that prevents us from exploring and discovering what we do and don’t want, is our own internal creature that holds us back or pushes us into some strange and alien role because we believe that it is the way it is supposed to be.
I am, I sometimes think, and I am discovering the vast landscape in my mind.
“Throw me into shallow water before I get too deep.” Thank you Edie Brickell.
Neither one nor the other
July 25, 2008
I work in recruiting for high tech positions. I am not a recruiter, though I play that role on occasion, when it is needed. I like to wear a lot of hats. The thing about wearing the recruiter hat, is that when I don it, I realize for the umpteenth time that people (and by people I mean candidates) have a very skewed view of what a recruiter does and who the recruiter works for and so I feel compelled to write a few thoughts on this subject.
First, the recruiting job is a combination of sales and marketing. As a recruiter we are trying to entice you to “buy” the opportunity being presented. Then we shift gears and begin the process of determining the best marketing plan to present the candidate (who has become a commodity at the point of expressing interest) to the client. Recruiters try to see a candidate as a person, yet in the small windows of opportunity to get in front of a client with a good-to-great candidate, there is a tendency to view the candidate as chattel.
Second, because there is coordination involved, making the recruiter the quintessential “middle-man”, and challenging that recruiter to be as persuasive as possible, it is very difficult to pin down information. What candidates don’t understand, in general, is that there is no direct control in these situations. Recruiters do not have the luxury of time and many do not have the structure of process either. It greatly depends on the firm they work with, the relationships they have already forged, and the position of the planets during solar storms. Okay, maybe not that last bit – but then again, who’s to say what influences Clients to do some of the crazy things they do.
Not all recruiters are created equal, nor are they trained equally. They do not, in general, have time to learn the nuances of every role in a company or access to that info even f they wanted it. They do not work for the candidate except in the rarest of times when they are actually retained by the candidate – in which case the candidate is actually the client.
That bears repeating: The recruiter does not work for the candidate. I am not saying that won’t change down the road, because I believe the recruiting industry is due for a big shift….but as of today… this is how it works.
This is something that candidates often misunderstand. And it causes much disappointment and sometimes hard feelings. The recruiter is motivated to find a good match for the client.
A good match that is accepted by the client results in a fee. The fee is usually a percentage of the salary that the candidate accepts when the offer is made. The fee can be as high as 35% but is usually around 20%. This is the point where the candidate can rally the efforts of the recruiter… get the recruiter to help in the negotiations for the salary – they have access to what the actual range is, usually. And they are motivated to help the candidate get the highest offer possible, because they will also get a higher fee.
Before that point, you have to be a marketable commodity. This includes making sure that the recruiter knows about the great experience that is not on your resume, and asking if you should rework your resume for the particular position. If you don’t offer, they may not be skilled or experienced enough to ask you, or they may take it upon themselves to do it themselves.
If you are working with other recruiters, tell them. This is an open relationship – some competition is healthy, and if they don’t like that you are taking care of your options, then you or the recruiter can choose not to work with each other. It is a free country, and there are plenty of recruiters and staffing firms out there. Don’t work with people that make you uncomfortable, or who demand that you only work with them.
Tell them if you have been submitted to the client they are discussing with you… it will save time and anguish.
